FREE DAY by Branden Wang

Joe wakes up hearing a smashing “qlurx” noise. He thinks, what is that noise? He opens the blinds to see New York City in its most chaotic state. This is free day, a weird day where Joe can do whatever Joe wants to do. What does Joe do on this year’s free day, a crazy day with no rules?

Food in the air, butter on the floor, it’s a food fight! French toast dumplings blast through the air; cheeseburgers with fried ice cream instead of burgers (what?) splatter onto the buildings; hot beef Sundays flies off the trucks; python kebabs (isn’t is poisonous?) slams into street lights; fried butterballs smear car windows; and pickle pops blind food-fight players just for a few seconds. At the food fight, Joe uses different types of butter such as cultured butter, sweet cream butter, raw creamed butter (it is prized!), ghee, or ghee butter to make his opponents trip. (Do you know in year 0 (ha, year 0) someone used a pizza as a shield?) According to the rules of the food fight, there are no rules!

Joe walks down Cortlandt Street, whoa; the food-fight players are having an extreme food fight! They have calzones, nugget biscuits (nuggets in a biscuit), and sweet cream butter darting towards Fulton Center. Baleshwar Boracic, a college professor, grasps the pizza like the guy from year 0. Joe takes the train to Woodside Avenue and gets off to visit “The Hole”, Uew Uork Uity (pronounce EW ork yity). It is just like NYC with trains, buses, Shake Shack restaurants, the Chrysler Building, and Columbia University. Surprisingly, an artificial sun and clouds light up The Hole so it looks like the upper world. Free day is crazy!

Joe travels to New Dorp, Staten Island, where the water gun fight is about to begin. The rules of the game are two teams both run to the center of the field to retrieve the NERF guns to play. Then it is straight forward after that, a player blasts down all the opponents with a swift blow from his water gun. Once all the players on the opposing team are shot by their water guns, or a team surrenders, the other team will win and win all the glory. AANNDD, the prize for winning the tournament is negative 50 dollars. (“It is less than worthless,” said Quintin Trembley, the 8^th and a ½ president of the U.S.) Joe arrives there and watches the fight.

BBUUTT... some people use this day to their advantage. For example, some people control awesome Narwhals by putting headphones pumping Justin Beaver music causing them to be sea-buses. Even worse, humans use the unique Vampire Squid as flashlights as they scuba dive. But, worst of all, police officers force dogs to help solve crimes! (Hmm...that is really not that bad, scratch that.) In addition, citizens drop bombs, fly a 747, fire a AK47, mix the recycling with the trash (he he), set fire to Miami, use swords, use nukes, cre, cre, cre, glurx blurx (random sounds). We are experiencing some technical difficulties.

  It is 12344321:5656.56 seconds (11:09.32 seconds) and Joe decides to sleep. Joe has done all the crazy things from eating shoe soup to jumping off the One World Trade Center. He thinks, I can’t wait till next year’s free day! Yes, everyone can’t wait.   

***ANIMAL CRUELITY: no animals were forced to lighten to Justin Beaver’s music. J