LESSON 5.2, POTATOES: THE SOULS OF THE WORLD

by Branden Wang

The potato. An “ovaly” butternut, chalky, dirty, medium sized and delicious vegetable. Before you learn how to eat potatoes, you must know the background: the history of potatoes and how to forge potatoes into a legendary, scrumptious, and awesome mashed potato dish. Potatoes are very intricate vegetables, ranging from classical Delaware potatoes to Royal Blue potatoes. Are potatoes just piles of starch? Think again. Potatoes covers 45% of our daily vitamin C needs; potatoes have more potassium than spinach, bananas, and broccoli and traces of thiamine, riboflavin, folate, magnesium, phosphorus, iron, and zinc. Potatoes will win any tasty contest.

1536 - Spanish conquistadors conquered Peru; soon after, they discovered the potato. In 1589, Sir Walter Raleigh introduced potatoes to Ireland. For the 13 colonies in 1621, potatoes had just arrived, and permanent potato farms were established in 1719. From thereon, not much changed for the potatoes in the United States. About one and a half centuries later, the potato blight, a plant disease spread through Europe, killing many potato farms. Once the blight hit Ireland, potatoes (the main food source) became scarce, forcing millions of people to flee to the United States or Canada. By the way, did you know in 1995, potatoes became the first crop to be grown in outer space?

Hungry? Why don’t I teach you how to make some basic creamy homemade mashed potatoes? First, get 2 pounds of baking potatoes, sliced and diced (shave the skin and quarter it); measure 2 tablespoons of butter and 1 cup of milk; and sprinkle salt and pepper for taste. Next, boil a pot of salted water for 15 minutes, and put the potatoes in a pot and cook until tender but still firm. In a small saucepan, heat the butter and milk over a low fire, using a potato masher, and then blend the milk mixture until it is smooth and creamy. Finally, season with salt and pepper. Did you know, another interesting fact is that Incans put raw slices of potatoes onto broken limbs thinking it promotes healing?

Aren’t you getting hungrier? I am. Let me explain how to eat mashed potatoes. First, get a Wedgewood and Bentley Anthemion Ruby Charter plate, it costs about 420 dollars. You need this fancy plate because fancy food needs fancy plates. (Logic!) Wash and clean the new plate with Ajax using your hands. Finally, (using a mug) scoop the mashed potato onto the super-ultra-clean plate.

Next, get the world’s most gourmet gravy. Why the gourmet gravy? What are mashed potatoes without gravy? Do I have to say anything else? Pour 2874/4595 of the bottle of gravy onto the mashed potatoes. Before eating the mashed potato, buy and dress up yourself in a navy (because navy is awesome) suit (and gray blazer for matured adults). Get the world’s fanciest teaspoon to eat the mashed potato. Feast with a good posture and have an hour-long conversation with the mashed potato. After you are starving and want to eat the mashed potatoes, say “Good day” and leave the room. Rip off your perfectly new suit and yell, “Come to Papa!” Eat like a psycho and once you are done with the mashed potato, say good day once more to the plate.

You now know everything about potatoes. Lesson recap. A conquistador found potatoes. A guy showed potatoes to the world. 50 years later, the 13 colonies got potatoes. In the late 19^th century, the potato famine hit Ireland, destroying potato crops. People frolicked to the United States and Canada. It is easy to make mashed potatoes. Eating and preparing potatoes are complicated. Potatoes are the souls of the world.