THE ULTI-MIGHTY BURGER by Branden Wang

Sigh. Hungry? You walk into a hologram kitchen and see an abundance of food on the lapis lazuli counter. Wanting to make a burger, you open a dusty, magical floating cookbook, with ulti-mighty recipes. The World’s Best Recipes, which has been passed down for eons, contains the 15 prime burgers in the universe; the most respected one, the Golden Burger is the one you decided to summon to eat.

The ingredients needed: hologram potatoes in the clouds, ground beef from The Terrible Two (a novel by Mac and Jory, illustrated by Kevin), soothing mayo from space, gravy of the asteroid Eris, aquamarine ketchup from Valhalla, the creamy cheese of the desert, hardboiled eggs from Plasticville, wet dough from the bread-mine, and steel-shell cantaloupes from Key Food. Together, they make the world’s best burger. The beef, potatoes, and hardboiled eggs create the patty.  The patty must have an opening, allowing gravy and cantaloupe to be inserted inside. Then more beef is added to seal the open hole. Now squish the patty with a mallet, making the cantaloupe and potatoes softer.  You’re done with the patty!

The condiments for this burger are very important. To make the mayo-ketchup condiment, you need 2.3465 teaspoon of ketchup and 1.57304938 tablespoon of mayo. Next, fill one-sixth of the a saucepan with milk. Boil the milk for two minutes, and then add the condiment mixture. Once the sauce boils, put on a witch’s costume and stir the mixture with a three-day-old pen until it turns grayish. After the mixture becomes lumpy and foul smelling, pour it onto the patty, which is supposed to be on a turquoise silk cloth. Then get out the dough.

The bread is pretty much impossible to make. You must have 1.5 pounds of dough and bake the dough for 10 to 12 minutes. When it’s done, remove the bread, using gloves 5x the size of your hands. Once it is out of the oven, blow on the bread until your face turns purple. Then microwave it for 15 seconds. Bathe the bread in sesame seeds for five minutes, and scrape off the loose seeds. Finally, place the patty onto the airy bread, which has the disgusting sauce on it, in slow motion, causing you to barf. Wasn’t that easier than expected?

Every burger needs a topper, including this Golden Burger. One topper that suits this perfectly is cantaloupe on a cocktail toothpick. Simply put the pointy toothpick through the burger, perfectly through the middle (if you didn’t, then drop the sandwich onto the floor and start over). If the toothpick is actually in the center, then proceed and put a piece of cantaloupe through the toothpick. (If the piece of fruit isn’t in successfully, then slam your face into the burger and go to the park with the sandwich tapped onto your head.) Another way to give the burger a topper is by making a dipping sauce. I suggest “the boblogrady”, a squashed grape, hammered blueberries, and a honey combo. Another topper is buying some Ruby Tuesday fries. They go swell with cheese!

The burger is done: juicy, tender, crunchy. Fork. Spoon. Knife. Ready? Fancy plate. Special napkin. Intensifying hunger. Mouth watering. Smacking lips. Bring on the Golden Burger.